Don't feel bad about doing nice things

We do lots of nice things and them beat ourselves up about any inconvenience we may have caused trying to be nice. Get over it. Be nice and enjoy it. Feeling guilty taints the while gesture.

Starting all over again

So I faded into nothingness on here.  Moved back in with my mom and then moved to Chicago a month later.  Been an exciting few months for sure.

I'm starting over and starting again.  To do that, especially for me, like any idea you let go of you need to forgive yourself and anyone who still gives you pain.  Forgive, accept and move on!  There is no point carrying the pain of failed projects, lost loves and dreams.

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you leave the guilt behind, accept the good, the bad and the choices you've made.

Being a loner.

I was once told if you were academically gifted or bright, chances were good you would be lonely most of your life.  You wouldn't be understood, you wouldn't fit in.  That being said, that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or the people who don't understand you.

If you are lucky there will be a handful of people in your life that will understand you.  A handful.  That is disturbingly few, but also a lot in a way.  That doesn't make much sense, but I am prone to ramble.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I'm okay with that.  The freedom that comes with knowing you will not be fully understood or accepted by almost everyone you ever meet really let me stop caring about pleasing everyone.  I am less prone to apologize to everyone.  Hide myself from everyone.   If I am really lucky 3-5 people will get me.  Then I have my monkeysphere.  Then every one else.

That knowledge, that I will be lonely for most of my life in one way or another was the most freeing thing I've heard in 23 years.

Guilt Sucks

I don't want to go back and redo all the ones I missed.  I'm sorry they aren't hear but my guilt about them not being here has kept me from writing at all.

After some of today's ass kicking workout (which I still need to finish) I got distracting and overwhelmed with inspiration.  Thank you Ken Robinson and swissmiss.  All in all it made me realize anything I want is out there.  Being a skeptic is rather pointless in this case.  I can find a way or find what I'm looking for always.  It may be in an unexpected place, but it's there.  Time to play a little hide and go seek!

The only thing holding me back is myself.  Everything else (like cameras, internet and power) can help, but when they are gone, it is just an excuse to not look.  No one said it would be easy. 

Camera Batteries Died, Pictures to Come

I figured, might as well blog now and add pictures later.  I had them charged this morning, but my camera is evil and they were dead by the time I made it to Starbucks. 

Thursday - No power is useful

I was part of the huge power outage. No computer, no lights and for a time it seemed nothing to do.  But, you know I loved reading by candle light and enjoying silence.  No buzzing machines or music.  It was serene.  In the future I'm turning off all the lights in my place and reading by candle light.  Maybe on porch couch!

Friday - Let your environment inspire

I'm not in love with the ocean.  I never have been.  I was raised going on rivers, not to the beach as much.  A river can capture my attention for hours and I will stay in the water, swimming or on the boat every single day I can.  I was at the beach for 2 days, I didn't even get my toes wet.  Maybe that is regrettable, but not much I can do now.  Anyways, back to the point.  The sound of the ocean and the joy my family had being there was inspiring.  I have some shots of sunset and kids on the beach that are stunning.  Regardless of if I partake in the common joys of an environment, I should be open to be inspired by its uniqueness.  I was. 

Saturday - A smile and good manners get you far

This is simple.  Good manners are always good.  My uncle told me to stay sweet when he left.  Of all the comments to hear that one stuck with me.  I can get easily depressed, but his smile when he told me that reminded me of the joy and beauty of kindness, good manners and a beautiful smile.  A smile can brighten someone's day, so do it.  A lot and be genuine about it. 

Sunday - Art is better in person

I went to the Getty!!!  It was incredible.  I saw a Van Goph in person.  I was transfixed.  So much incredible art.  I fear sometimes I devalue going out and seeing art in person.  Not that Moscow has much in terms of museums, but when I travel I plan to go to many more.  The feeling I left with was an awe of how brave these artist were.  You could see it in the colors, the material and the strokes they took.  I wish I was that fearless.  I think I need a bigger canvas!

Monday - Some things are worth the risk

This was inspired by risking getting sick for a hug.  Hugging this person was worth the risk.  Thankfully this applies to so much more than that.  Risks and leaps are good for you.  That is the kind of stupid I'm okay being.  I might get sick or fail but I'm going to run full force into that wall and enjoy it.  I might end up on the floor with a bruise and concussion or break through, that's the fun.  Little risk leads to little change.  When I talked about my future and my dreams I became self conscious.  They wanted to know about how certain my options were.  I'm not certain at all.  I just have big dreams and hopes and hopefully enough courage.  Make it work I guess when it fails.  If I never try I may never succeed.  Go big!

Today!!!

"Now that we know, it's time for change.  Negligence starts tomorrow."

People think that once we know it is time for a change that change will occur.  I wish.   In so many cases negligence has taken over.  The ignorant are still fighting over if change is needed.  The rest are sitting there negligent.  I feel ashamed when I think about this.  I'm one of them.  We all are a little.  We think we are powerless to cause big change and that change must be slow.  This is a load of bullshit and leads to the intergenerational tyranny.  We can do better.  I want to the next J. Harlen Bretz.  It must be this way and it has always been this way is poor reasoning to keep anything that way.  I refuse to push an idea into a preconceived notion of what should be just because the majority is comfy. 

Yes.  I'm feisty. 

Shut Up And Be Thankful!

Today I hurt my neck really badly and have barely been able to move all day.  Any yet today has been remarkable.  I'm giddy and happy and stupidly thankful.  Things are rough on a lot of fronts, but I need to stop ignoring all the fantastic things I have.

The Future

I want to know what the future holds, but it holds true I cannot even begin to predict it.  No one can.  Time to stop worrying.  I worry a little too often.  There is only so much I can plan for. 

I need to be adaptive and forget being stubborn or easily worried.  The majority of things I worry about never come to pass.  The majority of things I hope for actually come true.  Which is strange, but another reason I should stop worrying.

Time for some fun.  For something unexpected and maybe stupid.   

Career Path

Candy Chang did a project where she created stencils on the ground saying what I wrote on my hand to remind students of the bigger picture.  For me I wanted to be a banana as a kid.  Then a lion tamer.  Followed by learning every language on the planet to help people.

Today I want to change the world through good design.  I want to be a design thinker.

Heroic Ignorance

I have been rereading the Last Lecture.  Since I have graduated and been looking at grad schools, I've been looking at bettering myself to be ready.  I don't want to treat it like I did my undergraduate.  I need to focus and be more professional.  The past 4 years were an improvement, but I can still do better.

My boyfriend has caught on to my fear of ignorance in the past year.  He'll ask me about stuff I don't know and watch me uncomfortably pretend I've heard of it.  Sometimes I have, sometimes I'm not sure.  I'll ask about it, but I am very afraid of being wrong or ignorant.  This will only restrict me in the future.

Randy Pausch talked about his ideal grad student.  When "Captain Kirk" came to his office and asked questions for hours about virtual realities, Randy admired how heroic he was.  He wished all his grad students were like that.  NOTED.  I have less than a year to stop being scared of my ignorance.  Teachers don't mind someone being ignorant if they are willing to learn.  I've always told my students this, it's about time I believe it.